Thanksgiving Day, as chronicled by dog.
8:47am: Overjoyed at the prospect of your owner’s consciousness, you accidentally awaken her by repeatedly whacking her with your wagging tail.
9:52am: One human peels a couple of Clementine oranges, and decides it would be funny to put the stickers on your head. You spend a huge chunk of the day unwittingly wearing a sticker that says “ClemenTeeny.” Since you don’t know that it’s there, the irony is entirely lost upon you and your 90 lbs.
10:43am: Morning walk. You bound joyously through the autumn day, as is your wont.
11:20am: The turkey emerges from the refrigerator and is prepared for roasting. Selfishly, owner rebuffs your attempts to help. You would leave in a huff, but someone in nostril range is making stuffing.
12:12pm: Family member arrives. You demonstrate your joy at their presence with your Kujo impression.
1:34: Some dog show is on. They’re talking about superior comportment. Your self-esteem begins to spiral. You go into the kitchen to beg for turkey, but no one notices. Full-on existential crisis begins. Life is meaningless.
2:15pm: Mid-afternoon slump.
3:04pm: You awake from your nap completely refreshed, and determined to find purpose in your life. Inspired by a mysterious light appears on wall, you realize that your calling in life is to guard it intently. Occasionally you try to eat it. This does not go well.
4:15pm: The mysterious light mysteriously disappeared, so when your human offers to go on a walk with you, you think, “What the hey.” On the walk, you discover a new life purpose: to sniff delightedly at all the new cars in the neighborhood who have come to their relatives’ house for Thanksgiving dinner. Every. Single. One.
4:48pm: When you get back, more family has arrived! You show your joy by charging the smallest member of their pack, who is 6 years old. Unaccountably, people yell at your for this. You retreat to the kitchen and beg for more turkey. Again, no one notices.
5:25pm: Thanksgiving dinner is served! Unaccountably, the humans forget to make you a plate. You commence impressions of Oliver Twist.
6:47pm: The humans clean up the meal. You get to clean the plates. You decide that in a universe where in the captivating cocktail of turnips, gravy, cranberry sauce, and turkey exists, life is not only worth living, but worth licking thoroughly.
8:31pm: Family has departed. Plates have been cleaned. Last walkie has been taken. All collapse in family room. You are thankful for turkey, family, walkies, turkey, weird lights on walls, your special human, turkey, kibble, plates on the floor, and also turkey.