Adventures in Online Dating

I’ve been on the online dating scene a few years now, ever since I began studying to be a pastor and realized/was told that dating members of your congregation was kind of a terrible idea.  I had a few friends at the same time who were trying online dating and having a good time–two of those friends are now married to people they met online!

So hold your snarfles.  I’ve met a couple really cool people through online dating, including one whom I ended up dating for a year and a half.  And I read recently that in 20-35% of marriages in the last few years, the relationship started online.  There are plenty of happy stories out there.

But I’m not here to talk about THOSE.  The horrifying ones are so much more entertaining!

So here’s one fresh from my continuing experiences with online dating:

Sometime in August a guy messaged me through my preferred online dating site.  His profile seemed reasonably well-put together: he could use correct grammar and punctuation, he had a sense of humor, there was no mention anywhere of throttling small kittens or anything.  So I emailed him back.

“I am your first litmus test.”

Over the course of the half-dozen or so messages we exchanged, I learned two things: 1) He lied about where he was: while his profile gave his location as but a few miles from the town where I live in Florida, he was in fact in South America.  (He said he was planning to move to the aforementioned nearby town in a month.)  And 2) his sense of humor pivoted, more than once, on making me look stupid.

So I stopped responding to his messages.

Friends, there was a time–when I was younger, more innocent–when I erred on the side of honesty in online dating, and I would have sent this person a note that said something like, “Sorry, but I’m no longer interested.  Goodbye and good luck.”  But after receiving some flaming rude notes in response to messages like this, I’ve now moved on to the silent treatment.  I feel like I’m in middle school, but there are a lot less four-letter words in my inbox now.

In 9 out of 10 cases, just ceasing to reply to messages effectively ends the correspondence.  Not so with this dude!  After a week of radio silence, Guy sent a note that said,

I scared you off.  😦

Well observed, Guy.  To solidify the accuracy of his read, I didn’t respond.

But Guy was not to be so easily dissuaded!  Three weeks later, I got a note that said,

I’d still like to be friends, or maybe more!

I wasn’t interested in being friends OR maybe more, so I didn’t respond to that either.  I felt confident with this decision.  Experience has shown that eventually Guy will lose interest, and I’ll stop hearing from him.  But in the world of online dating, experience is so often circumvented and common sense turned upside down, and it was thus in this case.  Instead of letting go, Guy pulled one of the grandest Jedi mind tricks I’ve ever seen, and even more impressively, did it on himself.  As a result, this morning I got the very best note of all:

Never mind. LOL.  Liberals.

“Yes. My political affiliation is totally the reason why this isn’t panning out.”

Which just goes to show, Obamacare is ruining not only the country, but my dating life.  Sigh.


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