A dark and twisty post

Sometimes, people will tell me what an optimistic person I am.  And at first, I’m like:

You know?  ‘Cause that’s a really sweet thing to say, and I like that they see that in me.  What a warm and fuzzy moment.

But then:

The warm fuzzies vanish in a poof of reality.  Because the truth is, I’m kinda dark and twisty inside.  Yes, there’s cheer and optimism too, and the two parties roam around inside my head like the Sharks and the Jets (and yes, there are musical scores involved).  The side most people get to see is the bright, happy one I consciously invest in–oh, but if you hang around long enough, you find out that Kelly Clarkson sings the truth: everybody’s got a dark side.  A lowering, twisty, throwing-inkpots-at-the-devil dark side.

Get it? Just like Papa Martin did.

This side’s been holding court for the past couple of weeks–as it tends to during times of stress, like big moves–which is why I haven’t posted much news.  I wanted to wait until I had a long laundry list of wonderful and positive things that have happened here.  But you know what?  It’s been three weeks since I moved.  Wonderful things have happened.  I do have a list.  I still feel like carping about the crappy stuff instead.

So here it goes: my laundry list of recent crap.

-The night before I moved, my landlord called and told me my room wasn’t available.  I lived on top of an absent tenant’s stuff for three days and learned an uncomfortable amount about my apartment mate’s relationship with my landlord.
-On the drive to Connecticut, a wheel almost came off my car.  ALMOST.  I’m fine.  Nice people at a rest stop garage fixed it for me and let me pay in Christmas cookies.  On the other hand, they ate the last of my Christmas cookies.
-I lost five pounds in two weeks for no apparent reason, bringing my weight below a healthy BMI for the first time since I was a stick insect of a teenager.  I know that weight loss isn’t fashionable for young women to complain about (screw you, impossible and unhealthy standards of feminine beauty!), but I’m starting to worry about a parasitic organism here.
-My dog’s food is $10 more in CT than it is anywhere else.  I have no idea why.
-Of the three large checks that were supposed to arrive this month, which I had worked into my budget as rent and grocery money, the number that have arrived is…0.
-On the other hand, my insurance company officially rejected a final appeal to at least partially pay for a pap smear and associated tests, sticking me with a $400 bill for a ROUTINE OB-GYN CHECKUP.  (Sorry if you’re cringing at the ladyparts reference, but I seriously can’t believe this one.)
-One kickbutt class I was especially excited about was oversubscribed, requiring an application to enroll.  I did not get in, immediately unleashing all my inner insecurities about not being good enough for Yale.
-The finding-parking situation has literally taken time off of my life span.  In true accordance to Murphy’s Law, it was only after I rented an off-street spot that the person from City Hall finally called back to answer my questions.  I mercifully missed her call.
-I re-activated my online dating profile (why, yes, I have an online dating profile!) and was immediately reminded of all the reasons why I de-activated my online dating profile.  You don’t need more details.  No.  You don’t.
-Last Sunday, to treat myself, I went to a Downton Abbey tea party and viewing.  I thought I could make friends there.  But EVERYONE CAME WITH SOMEONE ELSE, and no one seemed open to talking, expect one lone woman sitting by herself.  We made small talk over creampuffs for about two minutes, until she said, “Oh, there’s my friend!  I’m going to go sit with her.”  Really.  She did invite me to join them, but at that point I wanted to wallow in creampuffs and self-pity.  And then the episode aired, and I found myself bawling in a room full of strangers, who, to be fair, were bawling too.
-Today in class we were supposed to choose partners for a class presentation, and I was forcibly reminded not only of how much the whole choosing partners thing sucks (last kid picked for dodgeball, anyone?), but of how much it REALLY sucks when you don’t know anyone’s name…and they all know each others’.

Now, obviously, this all gets better.  I am here, in a room, and not about to be evicted.  I do have groceries.  I have awesome classes.  I have met people who are very friendly and helpful and lovely.  I am single, but on the other hand, a foray into the online dating pool has made me all the more grateful for that.  I do still have a $400 bill for my 2012 OB-GYN checkup, but thanks to Obamacare’s passing (and staying passed), those tests they charged me for are now covered, should I ever feel like risking preventative care again under my current insurance policy.  Undoubtedly, in the months to come, I will wear out your eyes and your patience with long ramblings about how very awesome it is up here (I’ll include cute pictures of pandas, in case you get bored).  So in those moments, when you think to yourself, “For the love of tennis shoes, if I have to read ONE MORE THING about how bloody marvelous that stupid YDS is, I’m going to eat my Book of Concord,” just remember this post, and take comfort in the fact that I was once all pissy and gray about the whole thing.

Now here’s an angsty baby panda.  Don’t say I never gave you anything.

“I don’t want to see the people, I don’t care if it is charitable. Striving towards happiness through good works…just seems so pointless. *Sigh.* Please hand me my dog-eared copy of ‘Bondage of the Will.'”
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One Reply to “A dark and twisty post”

  1. Pandas are one of those animals that makes any day better. So are dolphins. And German Shepherds.

    Insurance companies really are a scam. My girlfriend almost got stuck with a bill for thousands of dollars because they accidentally entered a wrong code, classifying a doctor’s visit as a surgery, which of course, they wouldn’t cover. How someone can enter a wrong code so easily, but it takes God moving mountains to change it, is beyond me.

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